


and their mouths are choking

by janie_tangerine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Codependency, Episode Related, Episode: s05e14 My Bloody Valentine, Gen, possibly slightly creepy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 03:38:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He’s hungry. After all, his body hasn’t eaten anything in months by now. It’s there like his wish to see Amelia and Claire again is there, and he doesn’t have much illusion that any of those two desires is ever going to get fulfilled.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	and their mouths are choking

**Author's Note:**

> Title stolen from Temple of the Dog, nothing belongs to me. Works on the assumption that Jimmy was still alive during MBV and that the burger cravings were also because of him.

_I’m sorry_ , Castiel keeps on telling him, and Jimmy never really answers. He doesn’t need Castiel to tell him; he _knows_. He can feel it, all of it, because after all Castiel feels with Jimmy’s body.

And it’s such deep, profound, pure _sorrow_ that Jimmy is almost tempted to forgive Castiel one day, because after all, what did he know? _Nothing_ , that’s what Castiel knew, and he couldn’t have known better. Angels, after all, aren’t everything you’re led to believe.

Jimmy sometimes thinks that what he can’t forgive Castiel isn’t that he has trapped him inside his own body; he can’t forgive Castiel for showing him how things really were. How Heaven doesn’t care. How God isn’t in the building. How angels are, with a few exceptions, dicks. How his faith was, basically, wasted.

That’s something he just can’t get over.

And then there’s the _hunger_. Castiel doesn’t eat, of course he doesn’t, and Jimmy shouldn’t really feel anything if Castiel is in control (that’s what happened before, anyway); it might be because Castiel is diminished, it probably is, but it doesn’t work like that anymore. For a while Jimmy keeps it in check; after all, it’s not like he can do anything and it’s just… there. He’s hungry. After all, his body hasn’t eaten anything in months by now. It’s there like his wish to see Amelia and Claire again is there, and he doesn’t have much illusion that any of those two desires is ever going to get fulfilled.

And _then_ it _changes_. He doesn’t get why. He doesn’t know. He’s cut too far out. But suddenly, it gets worse and he thinks it wouldn’t be so bad if only he got to eat something. Nothing fancy. Not even much. An hamburger would do. Like the ones Amelia used to prepare him when they were just married and didn’t have much money and he always got home late at night because he worked extra hours and she knew red meat was his favorite food (even if they never ate it on Sunday). They were simple, just white bread and red meat, cooked just right, not too much and not too raw, with maybe some tomatoes and salad to go with them. A bit of mayo if they really wanted to be fancy. He thinks he had never tasted anything so _good_ in his life. He remembers that they used to have barbecues outside during the summer, and she’d cook them for Claire, too, and somehow the two things start to meddle. The way he misses food becomes the way he misses his family, and it might be two days or two hours but at some point it becomes unbearable. It hurts, it’s a void waiting to be filled, and oh, just one, _just one, just one_ , he thinks, just one would be so _good_ ; and then he realizes that Castiel isn’t shutting him out. He isn’t even saying he’s sorry. He isn’t giving him control, but he’s weaker. It’s like someone is making him weaker.

Jimmy should be worrying. He should realize that this isn’t normal.

He doesn’t care and when it becomes unbearable, he talks to Castiel on his own for the first time since they came back.

_If you really are sorry, I might start to forgive you if you just go and eat something for me. Like that hamburger Dean isn’t touching_ , he suggests.

He screams internally when in the end Castiel doesn’t eat it (so close, _so close_ ), but it isn’t much later when he realizes that they are sitting in a diner.

“Can I get something for you?” the waitress asks.

_Hamburger. Red meat. Maybe with a bit of salad. Please, just one._

Castiel repeats the order and the second he takes a bite, Jimmy thinks that if he was in control he would have moaned. It’s good, so good, so tasty, the meat a bit raw maybe but nothing he can’t work with. _Yes, yes, yes_ , he thinks, and then the hamburger is gone. Castiel licks his lips.

Jimmy can’t really stop himself. That was _it_ , it was nourishment and fullness and the remembrance of his wife’s fingers touching his own as he was handed his dinner, it was his daughter’s smile as she took a bite in the sun during a summer day.

He needs it. He wants it. He _craves_ it.

_What about another one? Or maybe two?_ , he asks again. Castiel doesn’t answer, but he complies obediently, like he _can’t_ fight it, either, and buys another five to go. The paper bag is warm as their fingers touch it.

As Castiel gets out of the diner and brings the second burger out of the bag, taking a bite and chewing slowly, he thinks _this has to be Famine’s doing, I need to warn Dean and Sam now_. But he doesn’t stop eating.

Jimmy barely grasps what it means. Mostly, that it’s very bad business. But it doesn’t matter, not really. All he can think is _yes, yes, yes_.

And, maybe also because he knows Castiel won’t or can’t refuse him, _more, more, more_.

End.


End file.
